William Shakespeare's Much Ado About Mean Girls by Ian Doescher

Author:Ian Doescher
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Quirk Books
Published: 2019-04-22T23:00:00+00:00

SCENE 4

At the George residence, North Shore High School, and clothing store.

Enter REGINA GEORGE, crying, with CADY HERON, GRETCHEN WIENERS, and KAREN SMITH.

KAREN Did Aaron tell thee wherefore he decided

That thou and he no longer should be one?

REGINA Somebody told him of Shane Oman.

GRETCHEN —Who?

[Aside:] Doth she suspect me, since I knew the truth?

REGINA He said ’twas someone on the baseball team—

Those scoundrels who do hope to round the bases

And dream incessantly of their next score.

I gave him ev’rything I had, in sooth—

Half virginal I was when first we met.

KAREN No more of sadness and these gloomy thoughts!

Let us make merry and create some sport—

Belike a trip to Taco Bell would suit?

REGINA Art mad? I cannot go to Taco Bell,

Not on this carbohydrate-heavy diet!

Thou art so foolish, Karen, by my troth!

[Regina begins to leave.

GRETCHEN Regina, wait. I prithee, speak to me!

REGINA No one doth understand my spirit’s plight.

GRETCHEN I do, and shall assist to make it right!

[Exeunt Regina and Gretchen.

CADY Thou art not foolish, Karen. ’Tis but our

Concern—though she insult our minds and bodies—

As her dear comrades not to shield ourselves.

KAREN Nay, I am foolish. Foolish is most apt—

There is no end, no limit, measure, bound,

In that word’s truth; no words can that depth sound.

I am on course to fail most ev’ry class.

CADY There’s no one who doth fail at ev’rything;

There must be aught at which thou expert art.

KAREN My fist entire doth fit within my mouth,

An ’twere circumf’rence of the world entire.

Wouldst thou bear witness to the awesome feat?

[Karen begins putting her fist in her mouth.

CADY Nay, I am well, though ne’er I see the sight.

What other skills and talents canst thou boast?

KAREN An thou can keep the confidence, hear on:

I am most nearly psychic, Cady, yea—

A fifth sense I possess.

CADY —What dost thou mean?

KAREN ’Tis almost like I have ESPN.

My breasts are like a twin prognosticatrix—

Protruding like a pair of weather vanes—

And can predict when clouds shall form above

To drop sweet rain upon the earth below.

CADY Indeed? ’Tis most amazing, Karen, truly.

KAREN Perchance I should say, more precisely, this:

They recognize when it is raining.

CADY —O.

I know not what to say, in light of this

Most flabbergasting power that thou hast.

KAREN Another time, I may yet show it thee.

[Exit Karen.

CADY It must admitted be, I have been sad—

Nay, utterly and greatly horrified—

That Aaron hath not yet ask’d me to be

His paramour, though he doth know the truth

About Regina’s rank, unjust deceit.

He must be sad, of this I have no doubt,

Yet wherefore should he mourn for her so long?

Regina, ye will see, hath mov’d along.

[Exit Cady.

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